The roles and activities that I thought were me are not. They are just things I used to do.
My illness has slowly stripped away the activities, duties, and roles that I thought were me. I grasped tightly as they gradually slipped out of my life: my athleticism, my career, my ideal of myself as being rustic and wild, my ability to be an environmental advocate by riding my bike instead of driving, my ability to help others, my career, my full schedule of activities, my confidence…
I am no longer a bike-commuting, hardcore, outdoorsy mountain woman with a packed schedule. I occasionally have glimpses of that old life that I am quick to post on facebook.
I am quick to post peak experiences like this on facebook.
I am having difficulty accepting my new life-even though on many levels I am grateful and prefer its peace and quietness. Instead of standing on mountaintops, I am resting on my bed with a mid-morning sunbeam warming my toes and my body supported with several pillows. Oh, the sunbeams in this room are glorious.
My most precious possessions used to be my bikes and related gear. Now I keep my journal, writing tools, sketchbook and meditation gear close. My 22-year old mountain bike is still here- stored on the side of the garage slowly being degraded by the elements. I sold my road bike a few years ago. I just found it too painful to look at.
This is actually how I spend most of my time.
So what is left for me? The roles and activities that I thought were me are not me. They are just things I used to do.
My illness has given me the chance to see that my identity and consequently, my self-worth are not contingent on my activities, roles, or duties. The activities and roles that I thought defined me went away. I am still here.
My illness has given me the chance to see that my identity and consequently my self-worth are not contingent on my activities, and roles.
Now I know that any “identity” that I adopt is temporary and circumstantial. I can grieve the loss of the activities and roles that I used to have and then wonder with optimism “What will be next?”.
I never dreamed I would write, sew, and draw for fun. I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom. These are activities and roles that are in response to circumstances right now. Maybe in the future I will do something else. This idea frees me up to try new things knowing that none of these things define who I am. My activities and roles are not who I am.
What remains in me no matter what the circumstance is the desire to know, understand, explore and contribute.
Just another one of the great lessons that living slow has given me…
Love, Peace, Joy.