and I can stop trying SO HARD.... and FEELING SO BAD about myself. ....feeling like I am broken and need to be fixed....looking for the solution that will finally fix me....trying a new remedy, program, or protocol and failing, again, and again, and again... feeling bad about myself because I just CAN'T FIGURE OUT how to fix myself....because I just CAN'T SEEM TO WORK HARD ENOUGH to make this go away...
feeling like a victim, a failure, a burden, JUDGED, and judging myself as not good enough... feeling guilty...trying to get back to "normal"...wanting to feel useful, productive, and valued... lamenting my losses, limitations, and struggles...feeling ANGRY at myself and at the world...feeling like no one sees me or understands my struggles...feeling a rush of HOPE... and then the weight of DESPAIR...as I searched and tried and hoped for something that would FIX ME.
I just couldn't do it anymore.
I had to let go...
of trying to stay in the workplace. of having an important career. of my beliefs about the world and my place in it, of feeling productive and useful. of worrying what other people think. of trying to do things myself. of trying to fix myself. of feeling guilty. of feeling like a victim...of my anger and resentment.
and all there was left was to just BE, and TRUST and SEE the Beauty and Peace that Life is trying to show me.
And maybe all of us can just BE with ourselves EXACTLY THE WAY WE ARE. even if you are sick...
Maybe we can find the gifts within our challenges and allow ourselves to be just as we are and in that we will find what we are looking for.
We all have different journeys, filled with ups and downs, good days and bad, successes and failures. I don't have a secret prescription to healing or happiness, but after 23 years of trying to fix my chronic illness, I can finally see the gifts that it has given me and that I give the world because of it. I am feeling a sense of peace and still exploring how to maintain that peace within my challenges.
Maybe these gifts will help you on your journey, maybe they won't. My hope is that they will at least be a signpost on your path.
I have been living with chronic illness and exploring the healing journey for over 20 years. I have been very blessed to learn from many great teachers and have the opportunity to explore many healing paths. I offer what I have learned from that journey to you in the form of aslowerkindoflife.com. I love pondering the mysteries of life and how it all weaves together into a beautiful journey.