This stay at home experience that many of us are having during the coronavirus pandemic is a bit like an unplanned meditation retreat. Meditation retreats are purposely designed to get you outside of your familiar routine. Some of them even “turn up the heat” to cause a bit of discomfort. In these very purposefully designed conditions lies great opportunity for self-study and self-transformation. How will I step up? What will break me down? What are my habitual reactions? What needs to change? What are my sources of solace? Meditation retreats also teach you how to cultivate peace while in discomfort.
I have done quite a few retreats. I always begin a retreat with glee and high hopes. As other participants struggle with discomfort, I embrace it. I laughed in my last retreat when people were complaining that the chairs were placed too close together. The first few days, I am loving it, then something emerges to cause disappointment. I get disheartened. I slog through difficult and painful emotions wanting to give up until, there is a break and a transformation occurs, an insight is gained, or an opening is made.
In this particular retreat that we are experiencing now, I encountered the same pattern.
Everything canceled! Fantastic! I happily canceled my housekeeper, and childcare support because I was in denial that I needed them anyways. This was a chance I could prove I could do it for myself! I called the preschool several days before it officially closed to tell them we weren’t coming back. My son hated preschool anyways. The BEST thing though was that my husband was working from home and no longer travelling two or three nights a week.
Initially, the pandemic was great for me. We reaped the benefits of more family time and working together throughout the day. Luckily, our son seems happy as a clam playing in the sandbox and he is loving the extra videos he gets to watch when I rest.
A few weeks in, and I have a bad week with my Parkinson’s symptoms. My husband falls behind at work trying to help. Without the distractions of outings, I have also come face to face with my fluctuations in symptoms and my inability to control them. The worries get to me and I have a panic attack. I sink into a deep pit of despair. My friend calls worried about me. I assure her that I am in a deep pit, but I am sure there is treasure in there.
Then the insight comes. I need to face facts. We decide to hire full-time help. Something I have resisted vehemently. Previously, I had cobbled together various respite- preschool programs, my parents, a morning nanny and more recently an occasional afternoon babysitter. It was a mess of me denying my limitations and lack of self-care.
We have had a week of full-time help. I am starting to recover and see light in this tunnel again. It’s funny how when a transformation occurs, I can no longer fathom my previous way of being. The reality that I needed the help obvious. The relief is grand.
As things are starting to open up, and we cautiously step forward, it is interesting to look at how we may have been transformed by the experience of stay-at-home. What has come up for you to discover? What changes do you want to make? After this prolonged “retreat”, I believe that some kind of internal change is inevitable.
And maybe we are just surviving and that’s ok too. This is a difficult time, for some more than others, may we be compassionate and kind with ourselves and with each other.
Love and Peace,
Nicole
LOVE AND PEACE
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I have been living with chronic illness and exploring the healing journey for over 20 years. I offer what I have learned from that journey to you in the form of aslowerkindoflife.com.
